Here's a meme I don't think anyone seems to have thought of
Five things about me that are true, but that other people won't believe.

Due to the slightly awkward terms of this meme, I may alternate between sounding like a conceited fuckwit and a muppet.

1 - I only ever tread on snails by accident (generally walking home from work in the dark), but when I do I apologise.

2 - Whether or not you like me externally, you probably wouldn't if you knew what went on in my head.

3 - I am an exceedingly intolerant person.

4 - I do not want to do what is 'right.' I want to do what profits me best, but I reckon if you do the maths, doing 'right' actually profits everybody best in the long run.

5 - I'm going to live forever.

;)

Have fun everybody, and please, if you've read this, consider yourself memeificated. I don't expect anybody to actually do this, because whenever I suggest things like this people seem to ignore me twice as hard as usual, but I think it is a unique meme. Feel free to shatter my puny illusions.

I did a long post this lunchtime about how I hadn't written any Nano yet, but the fuckspaced computers at work refuse to post things to blogger, so I am reposting now I have Nano'ed. My Nano-Fu is strong, I have Fu'ed around three thousand words and I am still poking the damn keys.

I am going to Morocco this weekend to sort out the situation with the Brunette. I'm sure I can win her back if I remind her of all the good times we had together. Of course, I won't be telling her about the sordid affair I've been having with Mr Moments.

I have been perfecting my parrot impression. "Pieces of eight!"

Of course, it loses something when I have to type it, but hey.

I apologise in advance for not posting as much as I might once have done this month. I be Nanoing.

If you are Nanoing, or have come here from the Nano site, please say hello (in the comments, don't just say " hello" because I can't hear you.) because everyone I try and talk into Nano lacks the "Fu" and re"Fu"ses to do it, so I would like Nano friends. there is a rumour the Brunette may be Nanoing, but since she is writing a play, the application is somewhat different.

Sianodel, Ms Philoprogenitive, Mother, Minx, your Nano-Fu is weak.

"When a man is bored with cheese, he is bored with life. When a hole is bored with cheese, it takes an awfully long time and makes a real mess of the drill" lit Theonlygolux
- posted by Buntifer @ 10/26/2006 09:00:00 pm

 
This has taken 12 hours to post.... FUCKERATION!
I set off for the gym with the best intentions this morning, really I did. I dragged my sorry oversize ass out of bed at seven and abluted, packed my kit and was on my way, on my bike, feeling reasonably ill, by eight thirty.

Seven minutes later I was outside the gym, cursing in a manner that would give my grandparents heartattacks only staved off by their need to first write me (and possibly my parents) out of any wills they had knocking about. I had forgotten my wallet, which meant, I either had to barter my phone for change to put in the lockers, and do without food all day, something which arguably could be good for me, so I cursed some more and set off home.

So I will have ridden into Richmond twice, and out twice, and not had enough time to gym either. Fuckwit.

The problem is that I haven't been for two weeks now, which is shite. I also haven't blogged, or written anything for two weeks, and with the absence of the Brunette, the only things in the house to have sex with are my hand, or Mr Moments, and I don't think he'd be too pleased about that.

In other news, I was overhearing a rant about "bored of" and "bored with" the other day, apparently "bored of" is grammatically incorrect. The correct form is "bored with" eg. "I am bored with grammar."

Which set me thinking. That means (surely, and correct me if I'm wrong, but only if you know you are right) that "Tired of" is also incorrect, and that seems a little odd. In future I shall try only to be "bored with" and "tired with" grammar and going to the gym.

"When a man is tired with grammar, he is tired of life. When a car is tired with grammar, the wheel rims make this horrible screeching sound." lit. Theonlygolux

And, I have been captivated by this little toy.

Apparently it made Time magazine, although probably in an article going, "Look at what the internet geeks are wasting their time doing now." I haven't seen it, so I don't know.

If you want to see what is possible, I suggest these two.

Line Rider - Helicopter Escape

and

Line Rider - Smooth as Silk

Peeps, this little guy rocks.
- posted by Buntifer @ 10/26/2006 05:58:00 pm

 
Treacle Tart
Alright, Treacle.

First I must apologise for the myriad typos in my last post, I was tired, or my fingers were especially fat that day, or something. I'm not normally that bad.

I'm fighting the impulse to go to the gym, and while my mind is telling me "fuck it" another part of my mind wants to go. I'm sure I'm schizophrenic sometimes, but I'm reasonably sure I'm not.

I now must explain the trecale reference. I have Mr Moments staying with me at present, and he went home this weekend to his rentals. THey, in the time honoured approach of most rentals, emptied the contents of their fridge into the back of his car, and now it is the contents of my fridge. Among the offal and bright red spare llama ribs, and beneath the International Mango Chutney, there is a treacle tart, which Mr Goulden kindly said I could sample.

I have sampled, and I am now fat. I remember this stuff from school, it's thick and sticky and sweet as Willy Wonka's shit. On the cover it proudly proclaims itself to be a shortcrust pastry around a filling of .... breadcrumbs and golden syrup.

Breadcrumbs and golden syrup. What a fantastic filling for a pie! Screw the fruit, custard, meat or veg, in fact screw anything with any nutritional value, let's have breadcrumbs and golden syrup, and let's put it in pastry.

Of course it is probably a hangover from Edwardian poverty, where (kind of like today) sugar and carbohydrate were cheap, but fruit, veg, meat and things what might be good for you are expensive.

See - my history's getting better!

I went into Oxfam today, just to make sure that they weren't selling any books I might want without me. [I have a made a resolution to stop buying books until i have read at least some of the ones on my to read shelf]

I found a complete works of Bernard Shaw, of whose stuff we are doing quite a lot at the LBFBT [London based Fruit bearing theatre] so I bought it. I has belonged to a drama student, and has highlighted bits inside, and some of the pages were dog eared, but I took it to the counter to ask how much it was and was informed apologetically that their lowest book price was £1.49. Which isn't bad, really. I wanted to read Man and Superman anyway, from whence this quote comes:

[talking about improving humankind]

"to be in Hell is to drift; to be in Heaven is to steer"

The dude has it right. We must take the reins and begin our own evolution.

I've just finished reading Joel Garreau's "Radical Evolution" which you should read, because it will make you more aware of what might be happening in the next ten years. An incredible book, with some more than incredible things inside.

Still listening to Eels - "Bright Light's and Revelations," the second disk of which is fantastic. The first disk isn't bad, but isn't anything massively special.

And also listening to Captain Dan and the Scurvy Crew. Pirate hip-hop at the knockdown price of $12. Wicked album. I'm going to get my hand amputated to I can get me a hook. Trust me, anyone you buy this as a Christmas present will love you for ever. Except me, I've got it already. Or the Brunette, she just sighed and went, "really, that's great." in a sarcastic tone of voice.

Right - I've blogged right past the deadline by which time I had to leave to get to the gym, so I won't be going. Job done.
- posted by Buntifer @ 10/12/2006 11:39:00 am

 
Tremble at my approach, mortals!
Hello, a whinge, a w00t and a whale.

Actaully, that was a lie about the whale.

Lets start with the w00t.

I have entered a short story competition at Skint Writer's site, courtesy of the link at Innerminx's typo dyspraxic ramblings.

I have a short story called, "Therefore I am" at the other end of that link. 1500 words around a theme of Spirituality.

I hope you read it, and I hope you like it.

I have another submission to do now, not due till end of Nov, but once I begin to Nano I may not be writing other things.

In other news. Last week of show. Good news because then I'm on days, bad news because then I have to start doing serious work on the next set of shows, which approach post haste. I've only just clocked this, but since myself and the other new girl started, we have been rota-ed for three shows before Christmas, wheras the established crew are doing...one. I'm not complaining, I think it will be fun (I have to say that, people from work have found this blog) but I hadn't realised until I explained it to someone on the weekend and they pointed out that the words straw and short could well be said to apply. heh - at least I'm working Christmas.

Right - here's the whinge.

BBC's Robin Hood - Review: In a word, PANTS. Were I a Spinal tap fan I might apply the infamous two word review, "Shit Sandwich." Robin looks like a sulky ASBO, and I know it has been aimed at sulky ASBOs, to try and keep them in on a Saturday, but really, it was more likely to appeal to fantasy geeks like myself, and it was shite, shite on a stick! He pouts like Ms Knightley when he doesn't get his way, he looks like the "war" he's been in was probably fought with sponges, and he's about as menacing as Miss Piggy riding a rocket powered ice cream. The supporting cast is fine, I guess, although Much isn't (wait for it, wait for it) up to much. But he's the main character! Surely the BBC could find someone halfway convincing! Even Costner was better... for fuck's sake, even Cary Elwes was more menacing! I've worked with better actors for the best part of last year, and guess what? They're mostly out of work now. I've pissed better dialogue, and I've never directed anything, but the direction was pitiful as well. The zoom/zoom/zoom on Marion's broach for God's sake, I know they expect the audience to have double digit IQs bu hammering it home like that was still unnecessary...we SAW HER THROW THE FUCKING THING!

Coupled to which Marion is slightly less attractive that Miss Piggy riding a rocket powered ice cream. Her neck is wider than her head, which unless she is supposed to be a weight lifter, probably isn't ideal, and her make up is like Snow White's. In fact I would almost bet she's played Snow White in the past.

[Goes to check]

Nope, but she should do, she's white enough.

Second whinge.

Spooks have written Ruth out. In a similar way to writing tom out, and Dannny out, they devoted two episodes to building her importance up as a character before turfing her out with few tears and fewer good lines.

They seem to do this fairly regularly. It's like a reverse ballon debate, they take the nest characters and write them out, replacing them with insipid fuckwits.

I guess Harry's next, and then I'll stop watching. It's like watching Buffy and seeing first her, and then all the Scoobies turfed off the show, and then finding out that it's now all about slaying lawyers. Giles is the only one left.

Oh dear.

Goodbye. Vote for me. (even if I'm not up, just draw a little box and write "Theonlygolux" and tick it.)
- posted by Buntifer @ 10/10/2006 03:06:00 pm

 
Hello Peeps
Right - I'm off to a wedding tomorrow, that of Fatass, the Brunette's sister.

I have a survival pack.

An umbrella - apparently it is pissing down with rain
A bottle of gin - for me
A bar of chocolate - for the Brunette
Prozac - For anyone that wants some
A camera - For that embarassing moment
A phone - To call for help
A suit - To blend in
No cigarettes - When I gave up, I forgot this was in the works.

I have also memorised a useful set of stories for the inevitable question: "So when's your special date then?"

1 - Six weeks ago, but we didn't want to spoil Fatass's big day
2 - Still waiting for my divorce to finalise
3 - Still waiting for the Brunette's divorce to finalise
4 - I can't until the Brunette converts to scientology
5 - I'm only in it for the sex
6 - The day after your funeral, you old goat
7 - I'm not sure I can afford the Brunette and three lots of child support
8 - I think it would be irresponsible to marry when my cleric is promising Jihad against Britishers at any given moment

I think those should cover all eventualities, applied depending on who is doing the asking. [I had put a rather amusing sentence here until I realised if I allowed it to remain then any chance of sex this weekend was completely out of the window.]

In other news, I have signed up for Joe's goals. Apparently it will help me become a better footballer. No, hold on, I'm thinking of Boyz Magazine there. Joe's Goals helps me become a better person. I have labelled it "Trys" [I think] because I don't like football and play no sports where a "goal" has any relevance. I think only gay men properly understand football. Certainly only gays play it. Take the guy who nearly got in trouble with the police [the POLICE for fuck's sake - haven't they got better things to do?] for showing his bum to 10000 opposition fans. Something a stright man would do? I don't think so. And would a straight man pay for tickets to something where this sort of thing happens? Maybe, but he won't be a straight man for long.

Rugby's for straight men, the desire to wrestle with cold men in shorts, whose legs have been dipped in vaseline is a purely heterosexual province.

Right - back to work.

I introduce Mr Write Now, over to the right ------->

Not politically I'm sure, but he's another blogging writer, or a writing blogger, whichever you choose, like my good self. Go and say hello, unless you already have done so.

Goodbye. I must leave you now, secure in the knowledge that I have more cake than you.
- posted by Buntifer @ 10/05/2006 12:03:00 pm

 
Space Men from Twickenham Abducted Me And Did Horrible Things To My Pants!
Actually, they may not have done, but it's totally possible.

Despite drinking many beers and some of Mr Moments' whiskey last night [we had an informative tasting session comparing bourbon to single malt, something I have never specifically done before. If you can taste the difference after six pints of beer, there must be a fairly radical taste difference.

I'm afraid I am going to direct you to a local news story.

Go here.

Once you have returned - we shall discuss this phenomenon. Mr Moments showed me this story with glee the other day. Glee wasn't very interested, but I was. The discussions of the floating lights' 'intelligence' and the facts that 'power cuts and bright flashes' followed their sighting were of particular amusement to Mr Moments. He, in fact had been on the common on that particular evening, with friends, and had spotted the lights himself, at quite close range, in fact, he saw them right in front of him, as he was lighting some chinese lanterns which he then released.

He felt unable to comment upon the 'intelligence' behind the lanterns, only pointing out that they were made from paper and wire, and that precluded any chance of them being 'intelligent' as far as his knowledge of artificial intelligence reaches. He did point out that they could well be more intelligent than many people he is acquainted with.

I emailed the paper, suggesting this theory, and they took me up on my suggestion, and have put the comment on their site here.

Yaay.

I am not an accredited IFO expert, but have seen many in my time. Some I would further classify as "birds" and would be able with a little diligence to further classify them as to sex, species, size etc. Others I have encounterered have been the small spinning disks found moving swiftly over parks and playing grounds. These I have come, through intimate acquaintance, to know as "frisbees." I recently booked a flight on an IFO, one run by the mysterious organisation known only as BA [as in BA DA BOOM - a noise their craft occasionally make when crashing]

I must herefore specify that I have never been sexually molested on an IFO [not for want of trying], and I have never been abducted by one against my will, in fact I normally have to pay quite a lot to embark upon such a fantastic voyage. I have been attacked by various IFO's some small and biological, known to a select few as "Wasps" and "Mozzies" and on a couple of occasions by larger leather bound non-sentient IFOs, which while I was at school would often strike me in the head and fall to the ground. Occasionally I would get my own back upon them by donning white clothes and beating them with a willow stick, a traditional punishment for the misery they inflict upon the professional English sportsmen who devote their life to throwing them at Australians.

Please write to the following Institutions for further information on IFOs:

IIFTSOIFO - International Institute For The Study Of Identified Flying Objects

IIIIIFO - International Information Institute Investigating Intelligent Indentified Flying Objects

IFOIFO - International Financial Organisation for Identified Flying Objects
- posted by Buntifer @ 10/02/2006 11:47:00 am