Pibbit's Story
Pibbit looked at his foot. It wasn’t going anywhere very fast, in fact it was going nowhere at quite some speed. The doctor had given him some indication that this might happen earlier in the day.

“Pibbit, you’re about as fucked as the only female rabbit in the infamous all male rabbit colony of McGregorville. You’ll be lucky if you make it out of the room today, let alone down the stairs.”

Pibbit had looked at the doctor blankly.

“Pibbit, DON’T TRY TO WALK ANYWHERE…..STAY HERE….” The doctor had continued in a voice designed for six year olds.

Pibbit hadn’t been listening very hard. Certainly the doctor’s advice would have stood him in good stead had he paid any attention to it. Instead Pibbit had tried to walk to Alaska. He regretted it sorely now his foot had given up the ghost.

He looked down at his foot again, it didn’t do any good, the foot lay on the ground in front of him like a cut of meat fresh from the butchers. He pulled himself back upright and looked around.

The trees in the valley were great pines, towering above Pibbit into the sky, their needles rimed with frost and swaying gently in the breeze. The sun was up, high in the sky, although its warmth did not penetrate to Pibbit down amongst the trees. He could have seen for miles had the trees not been there, but then he could have jumped for miles had the earths gravity been strikingly less than it was.

Pibbit crouched and poked his foot. It wasn’t having anything to do with him, and the feeling of non-feeling was creeping slowly but surely up his leg. Pibbit wondered if it would be worth masturbating one last time before the numbness overwhelmed his crotch, but worried that if the numbness spread contagiously that he might freeze up his arms whilst pumping away, and be found, frozen to death, trousers round his immobile ankles, right hand firmly clasping his pecker.

He straightened and looked around himself. The nearest human being to him was at the bottom of the mountains, sixteen miles away in his home town of Stuttgart. He pondered the impulse that had driven him to begin this hike towards Alaska. How had he overlooked the fact that he couldn’t walk on water, or that he knew full well that after half an hour of effort his legs seized up and slowly leaked agonising pain into his torso. Damn, he hadn’t even packed any sandwiches.

Pibbit rummaged through his pockets looking for food. After a full minutes scrambling he stood looking at his hand. He had one boiled sweet, covered in pocket scum, and half a sour chive pretzel which had obviously fallen into his shirt pocket at some point. It wasn't going to keep him going for long, but then lost explorers had survived on polo's before, and the main problem was always water. Pibbit looked down at his feet, which were embedded in a couple of inches of snow. Water shouldn't be a problem, but Pibbit suddenly realised that starving to death was unlikely to be the way he was going to go.

He looked up and looked around himself again. There were a couple of blackbirds canoodling on a branch nearby. He looked down at the pretzel.

Ten minutes later Pibbit was scribbling on a scrap of cloth torn from his trouser leg with a twig dipped in the mud beneath his feet. His tongue crept out of his mouth as he laboriously scribed onto the fabric.

"Help. Am trapped in Forest West of Stuttgart. Come soon. Pibbit."

He finished and blew across the cloth gently, trying to dry it. Once he was satisfied with it, he rolled the cloth gently around itself into a scroll and plucked a thread from the ragged bottom of his trousers.

He tied, with infinite care and attention the thread around the miniature scroll, and placed it in his left hand, ready.

With his right he reobtained the scrap of pretzel and began holding it out to the blackbirds.

They didn't seem interested.

Pibbit tried calling them, "Here Blackybirdy...here blacky..."

It didn't seem to work. The pair continued tweeting at each other.

"Fuck!" Pibbit exploded, "Fucking shitty birds."

As he finished one of them alighted on his wrist. He had stopped paying attention to them and they had taken the opportunity to swoop in on the pretzel. Pibbit snapped his wrist backwards, throwing the bird into the air, and catching it rapidly with his other hand. The blackbird he did not manage to catch grabbed at the pretzel and succeeded in snatching it from the air in its beak, whereupon it crowed with bird laughter and swooped back to its branch. The other bird however, was Pibbit's prisoner. He chuckled to himself and concentrated on tying his message to the bird's foot.

He meditated as he did so on the proverbial bird on the hand being worth two in the bush. This bird in the hand was worth its weight in something very valuable, provided it followed Pibbit's instructions to the letter.

He finished tying his message to its foot and began to whisper in its ear.

Simple instructions, he needed the bird to take the message to his grandmother's house, tap on the window to gain her attention, making sure that it was a window that she was looking through at the time, because she was a trifle deaf, then when she opened the window, it had to hop onto her wrist (right wrist, her left was arthritic and subject to agonising pain when touched) and offer up its leg to her, with the message on. It would duly be rewarded with as much grain as it could reasonably eat at one sitting.

Not too hard. Pibbit released the bird. It flew to the branch where its mate was consuming the last of the pretzel, and tweeted at it, Presumably saying something on the lines of,

"Oi, you fucker, I risked my life for the fucking pretzel and I've been abused by that oaf, and you, you fat bastard sit here and eat the whole sodding thing? Wanker!"

At which point it flew off. Pibbit sighed in relief as he realised that I was almost certainly just telling its comrade that it would have shared the slap up feast it was about to earn if the other bird hadn't gobbled the whole pretzel on its own.

Pibbit sank down into the snow and squatted to rest his legs for a while. He was being careful with his standing and squatting, as he did not want to fall over. He was acutely aware that if he fell over the numbness in his legs would prevent him from standing again, and he had no desire to crawl down through snow and down the little cliffs he had scaled to get where he was now, in fact, he was fairly sure that it would be fatal.

Pibbit cursed the impulse that had brought him here, and concentrated on driving the pain from his abdomen. Pain is an illusion he told himself over and over. But he was wrong. After a while Pibbit fell over backwards, striking his head against a rock and dazing himself. He could feel the numbness creeping up into his stomach, and he wept slightly as he felt piss soaking his trousers and quickly growing painfully cold.

The pain moved up into his chest as he watched the sun travel overhead and begin to fall to his left. The blackbirds had not reappeared, and he kept listening for a rescue party, but as it grew slowly dark he called out, just hoping that his ears were deceiving him.

Nobody came.

Pibbit looked down at his body, now totally numb. He was unable to move anything except his face, and if he did that he found shooting pains creasing his skull.

He began to sing, the only thing that came to mind, "Always look on the bright side of life, de dum de-dum-de-dum-dedum, life's a piece of shit, when you look at it..."

He croaked gently into the darkness through sobs. He could feel it becoming more difficult to breathe, and his volume decreased as his lungs slowed down. The cold permeated everything. Pibbit hummed the last verse to himself. He hadn't even got his best underwear on. He had been saving that pair for when he arrived in Alaska, for the triumphant arrival, the parties, the welcoming feasts, the congratulations and adoration he would have had. He supposed he probably should have packed more food, that way he could have got both Blackbirds, and two birds in the hand are worth immeasurably more than lots of birds in bushes, especially if you can't get to the damn bush.

He wondered whether he would be remembered as an explorer, and decided that, on balance, probably not. "You'll hear about me on the news. I'll see you soon." which was the entire content of his note to his grandmother, while probably accurate, were not great last words for an explorer.

Pibbit's last tear fell onto the snow, and melted a tiny patch before it became diluted and joined the other snow.
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/29/2005 09:30:00 am

 
Brighton Rock?
Perhaps, I shall find out tomorrow as I visit Brighton for the first time in my puny life...my boss at work made an odd comment.

"It's a bit dingy, a bit seedy."

"Is it?" I said. "It keeps winning all these city awards and stuff."

"Well, it's like a gay capital." She mumbled...

Ummm...yeaah... but surely that means that it will be nice and neat, and everybody will be well dressed and drink martinis. The grass will be nice and short, and everyone will be happy. That's what gay means right?

I'm quite looking forward to Brighton. I get to look round my venue for the first time, and make small plans for my domination of the festival. I have decided that in two years time I shall run a venue empire like C venues in Edinburgh, only cooler, and I shall have more pun venue titles than they do, which will be hard, but not too hard. I have some planned already.

A music venue which specialises in funk and soul: Platform Sole
A theatre venue which specialises in fantasy and magic: Platform 9 ¾
ok, so I might have to change the name to come up with more puns, but so what?

I realise that once again I have posted loads of shit today, which might put some of you off reading all of it, because it is mostly shit... I was interested to see that my political views have obviously got more Tory and less UKIP, or perhaps the Tories have become more fascist and the UKIP have become less right wing polarised. What annoys me is that I keep being told my opinions are Grren Party ones. Fuck them! I Strongly Agree that Fox-hunting should be re-legalised, and I don't particularly think that cannabis needs to be re-rated as a drug. Frankly it doesn't surprise me that these fucking treehuggers want to legalise cannabis - but surely smoking a plant is bad for the environment, even if it is a weed - there is carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide released in the smoking as well as fuck knows what else, benzene and shit if you believe the adverts they are putting on cigarettes.

Plus Calivin and Hobbes, stolen directly from the link on the Brunette's site

And in other news, I am reading "The Scar" by China Mieville, which (unfortunately) rocks. Really fucking good. It's another of those depressing reading moments. I need to read some more Forgotten Realms books to convince me that I can write again...

heh

Right - off to pretend to work some more. The database is down and I am rapidly developing a system of mime to get the impression of working across to wankers walking past the galss walls of our room...ugh

It's like being in a zoo.
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/29/2005 09:02:00 am

 
Yaay!


I'm so gonna do this to my kids....
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/29/2005 08:45:00 am

 
My views seem to have changed...

Who should I vote for? v2

Labour -9
	Conservative 17
	Liberal Democrat 16
	UK Independence Party 23
	Green 41

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Well at least I haven't come out UKIP again, although i don't know what has changed, but fuck! I'm worried...I fucking hate treehuggers, they're all tossers... damnnit most of them are vegans.. I mean, I could never date a vegan or a vegetarian, because they don't have any respect for their body, WTF with the greenparty bollocks?

I think it can only be because I "strongly disagree" with almost all the major parties on almost everything..

Wankers...all of them....

Go on - shoot a politician today, do your bit to keep Britain tidy.

If that was a manifesto, or better yet a politician, we'd be laughing, unfortunately I can't edit pictures at work...
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/29/2005 08:23:00 am

 
A proper post, at long last...
And people say I have too much time at work! Lies, all lies...

well...

OK, I vowed yesterday morning that I wouldn't post any more random links and shit because they are already on the net and don't really need propagation, then I found that damn pig thing, which I thought was such a great idea, I mean, I studied psychology for three years and I couldn't tell you what a drawing of a pig meant, so I guess it must be really hi-tech intensive psychological analysis that goes on, otherwise we would have been taught it right?

Hmm...

Then I found a name generator and decided to find shitloads of them, which oddly enough become a lot less fun if you do the all at the same time, although I am definately going to insist that I keep my title as Vice President of Paranormal Vegetables...there are two more on the Brunette's site if you like, an elven one and a hobbit one...

It is Wednesday, and I hadn't realised that next monday is bank holiday, which is nice, although I don't get paid for them, it is always good to have time off from work... and then that means I will only have a four day week before I go to Brighton...

And voting as well...I suggested to a friend's mother over the weekend, when she asked me who I thought I would be voting for, that we shoot them all and start again. She crisply asked again, pointing out that that wasn't a very constructive way of looking at things. Well I agree, but then we are being asked to vote for people non of whom are worthy of running a country. The Brunette and I have discussed this before and decided that pretty much anyone who puts themselves up for running a country is a tosser, look at any politician. So I am making a heartfelt plea to the United Kingdom's population. Shoot a politician today, make the world a better place. They are out there pressing the flesh and baby kissing, just run them down as the saunter along the pavement. No women and no children please but retinues are ok, they are the same kind of people, just not quite so far up the ladder.

My other thought was concerning the fact that it's a secret ballot. I remember my parents refusing to tell me who they voted for when I was younger and asked them this, on the principle of the thing. I have since learnt their political leanings, but through discussion with them rather than just asking them. I don't like this culture of asking people who they are going to vote for and then castigating them for their choice.

I'm not voting Labour. I'm happy enough to say that. I think they are all assholes, and I think that Tony has been coming across badly in his interviews recently. I might have considered it had they brought us a new leader, but they didn't, so fuck em.

The people who think they know stuff about politics are prophesying another victory to Labour, and they might be right. We have no alternative that would be better, although I think a change of people would be beneficial, no matter who those people be. Like voting bush back into power, we would be saying, "We know you lied, and we know that you cheated, and we don't really care." Constantly changing the political scene is not healthy for a country, but at least we'd get some new ideas through the door and see if they worked. If they didn't, then we can vote them out again, but if they did, people would be forced to rethink.

I don't think the Tories have a chance. The Lib Dems would be rather amusing to see in government, but frankly, I think they would have about as much an idea of what to do running a country as I would piloting a 747, and I rather think the results might be similar.

I fucking hate the Green party, because while i know we are fucking up the world and I believe the predictions that within our lifespans we will see major disastrous climate change, I just fucking hate environmentalists, they all smell and frankly, they tend to have less idea of the science behind what they are protesting against than Nicholas Cage had about the character of Captain Corelli. Fucking treehuggers.

Bring back the monster raving loonies - at least they gave an option which was equivalent to RON at university, whom I voted for a couple of times, although he never got in.

But, back to the important part of this post. Kill a politician today, or at least punch one..go on...you know you want to...alright, just swear at them on tv, or better yet mail them abusive letters, or call them up and tell them precisely what you think of them.

Guy Fawkes had it right. That's why we celebrate. It is, isn't it. No one would be out having a good time over the survival of parliament. Pity that purple stuff wasn't sodding anthrax frankly.
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/26/2005 03:49:00 pm

 
Name Generators:
Smurf and I'm Noxious Smurf

Star Wars I'm Danst Smbat Htrastra of Ventolin

Gangsta My ass has been dubbed King Forty Sippa

Pirate I'm Almost Blind Diego

Title I shall henceforth be known as: Vice Boss of Paranormal Vegetables, Dan Kosh Staniforth

Put that in your Palm V and smoke it.

Jihad I am Brother Shining Flamethrower of Prudence

Nerd I'm Raphael, the HP Calculator Expert

Matrix Mr. Buntifer is not my "real" name... but the name the machines gave you. When you free your mind you will be: Prometheus the Fightmaster

Jedi I am STADA SMBAT of the planet imodium!

Pimp I'm D. Magical Dan G.

Wu-Tang I'm Action Packed Mentalist.

Vampire The Great Archives determine me to have gone by the identity: The Duke of Moldovia, known in some parts of the world as: The Haunt of Blood. The Great Archives Record that I was Thirsty, unstoppable and vicious.

Fairy My fairy is called Oak Goblinwand, she is a bringer of riches and wealth, lives in forests of oak and lime trees and is only seen when the seer holds a four-leafed clover.

Prison Bitch I'm Commie Girl apparently.

Pagan I'm Stone maeve Maeve

African I'm Zuwarah

Goth I'm The Evil Fairy

Squirrel from this day forward I will be known as: Prince Dances with Chipmunks

Pokemon My Pokéname is: Vulmon. Profile: I live in the blazing deserts of Bali, and my diet consists mostly of wolves, TV dinners and tea. Characteristics: (Combat and Non-combat)
You can puke acid. I have propellors. I can throw broken glass. I can breathe bricks. Natural Enemies: My natural enemy is Pikarina.

Indian I'm Henry Talking Beltline apparently...

Porn I'm Sandy Maxim

Ninja Burger from this day forward my Ninja Burger ninja name will be Kyuzo Nakamaru -san

Mafia I'm 'Third Leg' Alfredo

Scammer I'm Mr. Mohammed Nwani, the distant relative of Joe Nwani, a chairman of the Ministry of Finance

Geek is the same as my real name! no really...

Reggae My irie new name is Prince Sensi

Silly I'm Gidget Pizzashorts

Viking I'm Halfdan Hairy-Cheek

Pope I'm Pope Monstrous Eugene VI
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/26/2005 02:23:00 pm

 
Apparently Manchester won't be voting Tory then...


thanks to CageofMonkeys for that one, and in fact the pig thing...
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/26/2005 01:15:00 pm

 
The Pig Personality Test
It mazes me how many ways there are to quantify and define one's life:



This is my picture of a pig - it says the following things about me, and no, I can't draw better than that, especially with a mouse, and whilst i am trying to hide the fact that I am at work, and i'm drawing a pig...

Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates
With few details, you are emotional and naive, they care little for details and are a risk-taker.
With 4 legs showing, they are secure, stubborn, and stick to their ideals.
The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are.
The bigger the better. You drew medium sized ears, you are a good listener
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life.
And again more is better! You drew medium sized tail

So go on, draw a pig and I expect a piece of art from Southern Bird, being the only one of the ring who I know does arty things. (But this is not an excuse for skiving Dylan Thomas)
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/26/2005 09:54:00 am

 
Jenny Turpish slapped me
20 Questions to a Better Personality




Wackiness: 50/100
Rationality: 24/100
Constructiveness: 34/100
Leadership: 70/100



You are a SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Dictator.

You prefer to control situations, and lack of control makes you physically sick. You feel have responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should.

You rely on the validation and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. This makes you very difficult to be with romantically. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced.

Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook.

You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane.

Of the 117458 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 5.5 % are this type.



Pretty accurate I would say, I may well go insane. I can't speak for the sexiness, but I do have a soft spot for animals, namely my stomach...rabbit pie, roast lamb...delicious...


20 Questions to a Better Relationship



eXpressive: 3/10
Practical: 6/10
Physical: 2/10
Giver: 4/10

You are a RPIT--Reserved Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Love Geek.

Heh heh -- you love geek! You are weirdly sexy. It doesn't take people a long time to get to know you, but people *think* it takes a long time, because you are as cool and regulated after a year as you are on a first meeting. You don't tend to date casually -- you just suddenly find yourself in long term relationships.

Your approach to conflict is your greatest asset -- it complements almost every other type. You don't express yourself or your feelings in dramatic terms, but you will speak up to those who do. You are generally calm, but capable of ramping up, and you don't give up until the issue is resolved -- this means even the hottest temper or coolest conflict-avoider can feel comfortable pursuing their satisfaction with you. And you don't hold a grudge -- you get through it, and it's done. You rock.

Sure, you like the sex. And you communicate with your partner well, so you're good at it. But it's not something you would make jokes about or bring up in polite company (not that you don't appreciate that kind of humor). You're no prude, but that's just not your style.

You'd make an excellent parent.

You enjoy food and can be a ravenous eater. A good cook will get your attention quickly.

Of the 221901 people who have taken this quiz, 5.4 % are this type.

I am a Gauntlet Adventurer.



I am a Gauntlet Adventurer.

I strive to improve my living conditions by hoarding gold, food, and sometimes keys and potions. I love adventure, fighting, and particularly winning - especially when there's a prize at stake. I occasionally get lost inside buildings and can't find the exit. I need food badly.

Never played it, but it sounds about right...

I love that sentence from the first one - I hope it describes me accurately:

"You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane."

Great!

I think they are pretty accurate, the results kind of look like those feedouts for the vocational tests you did as a kid. If I was a political leader I would be a dictator, because I think that the only form of government which works well is a benign dictatorship. (I didn't say I would be benign!) I have never dated casually, and do tend to just find myself in LT relationships (not that I have a problem with that)...but, I have to point out that cooking is not the Brunette's strong point, but then I cook, so I am not that concerned with good cooks...

Anyone recognise this not quite benign (but very efficient) dictator?


Now this one...should give you a hint, makes me very proud, and is perhaps one of the coolest of this sort of quiz around, provided you read Mr Pratchett...otherwise you might not understand, although I would like the Brunette and Px to do it nevertheless because it would be quite entertaining to find out who they are...


Discworld: Which Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/26/2005 07:22:00 am

 
Platform 1- above Polar Bar
Greetings folksicles. I am back at work with nothing better to do, and internet access. However, I am in my penultimate week of work as I have been engaged to manage a venue at the Brighton Festival Fringe Which seems to be taking off this year with increased hooha and a new magazine called "Latest!" (for which I can't find a link), which has promised to review every show and to give star ratings, and is challenging the old standard of the festival, the Argus.

I'm really excited. It doesn't pay tremendously well, but it sounds awesome, the guys involved seem cool so far, I meet the other chap involved this weekend, and I am looking forward to it tremendously.

Platform 1 is a new, experimental theatre - focusing on new work by new playwrights. Located above the Polar Central Bar in the heart of Brighton, the theatre will operate throughout the 3/4 weeks of the Brighton Festival (7th to 31st May, 2005).

The theatre will house 13 productions of various kinds. There are to be 4 shows a day; lunch-time, early evening, mid-evening and late evening. These will run Wednesday to Sunday each week. There will also be some rehearsals held in the space.

Some of the spiel from the initial advertisement.

We have Firefly Productions coming in from Vermont, Unpacked whose show sounds wicked, 3hirdwheel as well as lots more. It's gonna be great!


and:

The Jaundice Table Two men, dead cats, ESP, one table. Dark comedy of skewed masculinity and vaginal real estate. By the Oubykh Theatre Co - all the way from the thriving underground world of Australia. “A haunting display of surrealist wit” RRR FM - Melbourne.

Fish Dancing “A dreamy, powerful piece, that will move you as sure as the tides move the ocean. A dark and compelling exploration of the destructive power of dreams, memories, self-deception and love”. **** The Scotsman. “Atmospheric and symbolic”. ****

Slaughter House - Live! The Comedy Store’s resident character cabaret team - featuring The World’s Strongest Vegan, Four Fat Folkers, double-act Knockers and Cocks, Singing Foetus, Alan Sonar (the blind juggler - oh, yes!) “Incredibly funny” - Metro.

The Flickering Truths of a Cruel and Dirty Bitch A play with words and music, which tells tales of the metaphysical on seduction, shamelessness, art and love. Featuring a woman and a famous poet, this play constitutes the violation of a secret - a real one...

Bonnie in Brighton A new one-woman show by local playwright, Guy Picot. A headstrong American girl seeks adventures; she finds more than she bargained for... and changes forever. “I didn’t think I was the kind of girl who could fall head-over-heals with a town. But I did.

”Whatever Happened to Anthony Zenden? “Newton had discovered gravity... Keats was dead, Kurt was dead. Alexander the Great had only gone and bloody conquered the whole known world”. But the class of ‘95? A tragicomic look a generation in search of a hero.

Changed Priorities Hilarious physical comedy about the havoc reeked on a village by an ardent town planner. First winner at a major international festival in Hungary. Presented by 3rdWheel - a striking British company. An absolute corker for adults and children!

Go Fish Adaptation of the film by Turner & Troche of The ‘L’ Word. The funny yet sexy account of a community of women searching for love. “Effortlessly exhibits a beautifully executed sense of intimacy” Db Magazine, Adelaide. “This is no festival ‘extra’ - it’s a must” Capital Q.

Carole Jahme is Sexually Selected! Games will be played as comedy and science combine to show what makes someone sexy! “Through a series of experiments on the volunteers she demonstrates who nature would select as alpha male and female”. ****

Mary’s Day Teetotal friends gather for Mary’s birthday. A bottle of wine comically creates a volatile cocktail of secrets and lies. Pink marshmallow meltdown. Death by walnut cake..! Will it send them all back into rehab?! A comedy that will have you in stitches!

The 4th Violin from the Left Four spooks fill time in peculiar ways. Twisted romance, infiltrating puppets, and unusual tortures send their paranoia, suspicion and lunacy to breaking point. “... a tantalizing blend of movement-theatre and object animation”.

Night Visions Exploring the world of dreams. Presented by students of Sussex Downs College’s Performing Arts Centre.

The Lion & Albert Mrs Ramsbottom and dad, lion swallowed their lad! Hit show from the Edinburgh Festival. What a to-do at seaside and zoo! Wish you were here! Eyes down, luck in, for line-rhyme bingo! Fabulous fun for all who are young at heart - adults or children!

Are the entire listings - so come along...it should be a good month, but I can't promise to blog much after the 7th when we kick off as I think it will be hectic.

Ciao folks, and remember...



They know you're going to hell....
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/25/2005 11:21:00 am

 
Games!!!



You are the large, round, friendly d20! (You probably didn't know this, but the shape of the twenty-sided die is called an Icosahedron.) You are the friendly, outgoing, outspoken, leader of friends. You are often looked up to, even though you don't normally deserve it. Most other types secretly wish they were you, and you'd give them tips on how, if only you had a clue yourself. Your charisma is often all you need, but you have your occasional moments of brilliance as well--just never when it's actually needed. You are the all-around good guy, a dependable chum, a respectable foe, and an inspiration to those who need one. Who says you can't get by on a smile and good looks alone?

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Stranger in a strange land, you are slowly making
this place your home. You are J'onn J'onzz, the
Martian Manhunter. The last of your kind, you
are a god among mortals. Yet all you want is to
belong.


Which DC Super Hero Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Why couldn't I have been a superhero I've heard of? Aside from the fact that I am a God among mortals I think this quiz was rubbish
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/22/2005 03:37:00 pm

 
Is it a bird, is it a plane?


nope, it's Batty Ratty...
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/22/2005 02:36:00 pm

 
Unashamedly pinched from Technically Rachel
Awwwwww. The new Superman's so gay. Bless. Now THAT would be an interesting angle for the new movie. Superman choosing Lex Luthor over Lois Lane. Hmmm - well, Kevin Spacey IS playing Lex.



Damn I'm good...
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/22/2005 02:31:00 pm

 
Texting and Checking Email harms IQ!
Well I'm fucked

Aah well, I take solace in the fact that I...no actually, I take solace in nothing.

Now I don't link this with the intent of sending trolls his way...what am I saying, yes I do. He's a Catholic bully, and any awkward questions you ever wanted to ask a Catholic, like:

Why is is better to let a baby be born with aids than to abort the foetus?

Why, if God can be left to do the family planning, is the world getting so fucking overpopulated?

Why, if God is left to do the family planning, does he fuck up so often?

How come a rapist who repents gets to join his victims in heaven, whereas a devoted father, who happens to be of a different faith, gets to burn in hell?

What gives Catholics the right to bully Christians of other (in the eyes of an Atheist) equally if not more valid theologies?

Is female masturbation as much of a sin as male masturbation? Since no sacred sperm is spilt upon the dusty ground...

And precisely what led him to start waving the finger at Rocketleafsalad?

The Cavalier


whoops, wrong link...



nope...



damn....



interesting, but not the one...
finally....


should all be directed to him

Greg, this is in no way directed at you. This guy is asking for it.
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/22/2005 11:21:00 am

 
Itchy scratchy
I am feeling antsy at the moment. I wrote a big blog the other day but blogger decided not to play its usual game when it eats all of the blog, but just to eat half of it. I decided that I would post all or nothing and since the recover button did about as much as scratching my arse I posted nothing.

Tomorrow I have two job interviews, one for a paid job, and one for an unpaid. I am not going to post what they are yet, as I am paranoid now about my blog being found.

I didn't mention it on here, but the Brunette posted a review of the last show I was on, which was not entirely complimentary to the script. The author then found it and ranted at me (wihtout realising that I knew the offending party, I think) for quite a while. Then there was the actress who found my mention under one of the previous shows I did that the actors were a handful. Unfortunately this reference had been directed at her at least in part, so I had some quick talking to do...

Thus I am trying to keep a slightly lower profile as far as people googling things and coming up with me goes. Some guy from Fring*r*port actually emailed me when I ripped up their fact finders recently, so I am being more cautious about asterisking things etc...

I don't feel good, I feel like I want to punch something for a lot of the day, and at work there are little things which are getting to me more and more. The bonus is, that while both the jobs I am up for are contract, so while I will be back where I am now after six weeks or so, I can come back without recourse to Reed




So hopefully then I might be earning a little more than I do at the mo. Plus either of the jobs would be wicked fun, so I should come back refreshed and with a new shiny spirit ready for some breakage.

On the plus side, I have done a final revised version of Legionnaire, and let certain people have it to read, so perhaps I should get started on something else? Or actually I should write a synopsis and try sending it to see if there are any more dreams I can get rid of before I settle down into corporate purgatory. (Hey I guess when I finally break and give in, at least I'll be getting paid more right?)

Having linked to that despair.com picture, I just noticed a news fragment saying that they have apparently trademarked the :-( symbol, so they can sue me for using it?

Isn't that like trademarking a word?

Fuckwits.

As are Reed....to whom I would like to dedicate the following:



Anyway. Currently listening to the Dust Junkys - Living in the Pocket of a Drug Queen. And if there is one track in the entire world which can be guarenteed to cheer me up, it's that one..

Nearly finished reading all the Sin City comics we purchased over the past week or so. They are good. Still looking for The Big Fat Kill second hand with the old covers, but the rest have been pretty cool, very noir, fairly simple in composition, wicked artwork, and boy does it look like the film is gonna kick some ass. I have been chatting to people who have seen it in the states and apparently it rocks...bastards...

The one thing which I am still working out is the timeline, which is overlapping and therefore a little confusing, but wonderful to see scenes in one book which you have already seen happening in another...just what I want to do with Legionnaire, creating a world with so many stories that they gently intermingle through shared locations and friends...

Great stuff...

Sianodel is worried that my tastes are being too far corrupted by American comics, which given that I started with Preacher (his fault) and moved onto Hellboy, Frey and Sin City, and am waiting with ill concealed anticipation for the next book of Y:the last man which frankly rocks, and probably has one of the most interesting and large scale premises that one is likely to come across in comics, is fair. (Long sentence, that) But I have recently enjoyed Watchmen which has to be one of the all time greats, and V for Vendetta, which is awesome, and hopefully will make a wonderful film. I swear if the Wachowski Brothers fuck that one up I will declare fatwa on their asses. They already incurred my fanboy anger, but that was with their own creation, so screwing it in a really uncomfortable place (not the back of a VW) was their right, but they should watch out when they start screwing with other people's creations.

Right - back to the future.


- posted by Buntifer @ 4/18/2005 05:03:00 pm

 
Well bugger me sideways with a fishfork...

Who should I vote for?

Labour -6
	Conservative 6
	Liberal Democrat 28
	UK Independence Party 48
	Green 48

You should vote: UK Independence Party

UKIP's primary focus is on Europe, where the party is strongly against joining both the EU constitution and the Euro. UKIP is also firmly in favour of limiting immigration. The party does not take a clear line on some other policy issues, but supports scrapping university tuition fees; it is strongly against income tax rises and favour reducing fuel duty.



You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/15/2005 09:15:00 am

 
Technicolour dreamcoat...
I have nothing interesting to post today.

but I have many interesting colours...pheer me... I B 1337
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/13/2005 03:07:00 pm

 
Legionnaire
I am not looking forward to writing a synopsis of Legionnaire, although the people I have found who have written synopsis writing guides online seem to think that nobody does. I was toying with the idea of having Word autosummarize it for me. What do you think?

Summary of 99 words in 36 sentences.
Original document 105035 words in 7025 sentences.

CHAPTER TWO – LEGIONNAIRE
*********************************************************************



The Legionnaire exhaled. The Legionnaire paused. The Legionnaire blinked, motionless.

The Legionnaire remained statuelike. Karen shook her head. “Legionnaire,” it read. Karen nodded. The Legionnaire smiled. The Legionnaire shrugged. “Hey man.”
“You fought the Legionnaire.” The Legionnaire laughed incredulously. The Legionnaire faltered. James nodded. James nodded. “Damn man! Helen started. Helen’s face set. “James. Helen shook her head. The Legionnaire blinked. The Legionnaire spoke up. Helen shook her head. Helen demanded. James nodded. James? Helen continued. Karen nodded irritably. Karen nodded. Karen nodded sullenly. Karen blinked. “This man, Karen? Karen nodded. Karen just nodded. Helen’s hand.

Then I played with checking the Flesch Kincaid readability bollocks.
My scores were Reading Ease: 77.5
Grade Level: 6.1
With 5% passive sentences.

With an average of:
3.8 sentences per paragraph
14.9 words per sentence
and 4.2 characters per word



Now:

Flesch reading Ease
The output of the Flesch Reading Ease formula is a number from 0 to 100, with a higher score indicating easier reading. The average document has a Flesch Reading Ease score between 6-70. The formula reads as follows:

206.835 – (1.015 x ASL) – (84.6 x ASW)where:ASL = average sentence length (the number of words divided by the number of sentences)ASW = average number of syllables per word (the number of syllables divided by the number of words)

Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level
The more common Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level formula converts the Reading Ease Score to a U.S. grade-school level.

(.39 x ASL) + (11.8 x ASW) – 15.59where:ASL = average sentence length (the number of words divided by the number of sentences)ASW = average number of syllables per word (the number of syllables divided by the number of words

Which means that theoretically Legionnaire is readable by 11 year old American kids. Could be a good market!
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/08/2005 10:30:00 am

 
I guessed right as well....

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Which Monty Python Cast Member Are You?, is Terry Gilliam

stolen from Southern Bird's Site
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/07/2005 03:33:00 pm

 
brainspludge
I was interested to note in the paper today that Mariah Carey is in town, I thought I had seen a head shaped object blotting out part of the sun this morning. She asked to meet with the number 1 artist for a photoshoot, but when informed that it was Peter Kay she decided to go with G4 (an abbreviated term for a quartet of gimps)

I have had an idea for mars bar sizing:

"inhaleable" size
"that's a mouthful and no mistake" (Mr Frodo) size, and
"Is that a Mars bar in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" size.

There could be a market here you know.

In other news, I hae finished the second edit of Legionnaire, a final read through and polish and I might be able to release it upon an unexpected public. Or not. depends.

The Brunette is hungover and skiving at home today after going out and getting leathered last night.

and I'm at work...boooooo

I just found this on the imdb:

Kiefer Sutherland (Actor, "24" (2001)) birth name "Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland"

I mean WHAT THE FUCK WERE HIS PARENTS THINKING????????????????????

Dark City...damn I'm good...
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/07/2005 09:54:00 am

 
Reservoir Dogs: The Musical © Cheesemongers Anonymous Productions
Right folks,

I had this plan a while ago, and I am hoping that we can make it a reality. What I'm looking for, and I am going to have to go away and watch the film again to make sure I have all the scenes in my head, but I want to make a Tarantino score for it, so a score made up of other songs from different places.

Here's what I've got so far:

For the opening sequence of them all walking down, suited up, with sunglasses etc, I'm thinking - Austin Powers Themetune.

For the cafe scene I reckon Fountains of Wayne - Hailey's Waitress

For the argument over their false names: Michael Jackson - it don't matter if you're black or white, definately, the rights are probably cheaper now too.

For the scene of Tim Roth in the back of the car, bleeding to death, perhaps "Candle in the Wind" or maybe that good old ChumbaWumba numba (ooh that felt good) "I get shot down, but I get up again"

There's room in there for numbers like:

Queen - Another one bites the dust
Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal
Coolio - Gansta's Paradise
The Verve - Drug's Don't Work


Now I am running low on inspiration, so your comments please. Both of you...
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/05/2005 11:37:00 am

 
another definition or two to go with "confucian"
unfulfilement - the feeling of emptiness felt when one's job consists solely of filing

unfullfilement - the feeling of despair felt when the piece of paperwork needed is not in the file where it should be

unfulfilament - the drowsy brownish light given out by the last working bulb in a room supposed to be lit by several bulbs
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/04/2005 03:10:00 pm

 
If he was right, he has nothing to worry about.


to be fair, he should have smoked dope.
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/01/2005 09:09:00 pm

 
Check this out!
Google Gulp!

The question is...is this even legal?
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/01/2005 03:14:00 pm

 
Le Weekend
At last, after eight weeks of having very little free time, I approach my first free weekend with trepidation. i don't really know what to do with it. What does one do on a weekend? I have quite forgotten.

The Brunette assures me it is like riding a bike, but I have friends who spend their weekends pissed, and i know from experience that riding a bike whilst under the influence of alcohol is not the most sensible thing in the world.

In fact, contrary to popular expectaion, spaghetti hoops on toast is the most sensible thing in the worl, it is warm, nourishing and has a multitude of uses. I would offer a prize for the most original use left in the comment box, but given your commenting record I would only get one, and that would be something original like "eating it"

So, what to do with my weekend. I want to see Constantine, and I think I want to avoid that new film with Scarlett "Everyone thinks I'm wonderful" Johannson in. Anyway, why does everyone think she's wonderful? Lost in Translation was utter bollocks, and she was insipid and rather dull, and "The Girl with the Pearl Earring" was dull as the dishwater in our sink at home, and that dishwater is at least four days old. What else has she been in? I honestly couldn't say. If she had been in something I watched, she was probably her usualy self, which means she would have bored me into not noticing her, which was a major problem with Pearl Earring bollocks, because you can't paint nothing, but Lost in Translation was greatly immproved by Bill Murray talking to himself. In fact, Pearl Earring thingy was about as interesting as watching paint dry...which is ironic really...

Anyway, I am at work, and trying to avoid going to the pub at lunchtime, because I have no money, and I have stopped smoking (since Wednesday) at least until I next see Sianodel. So frankly, I don't want to go to the pub, I want to stay at work and do some work on Legionnaire, which I can finally start to make some headway on soon. I need to give some more info on the Warden, a little more on Crap Boy's brother, some history of Sub-Milan and probably some history of the Disease.

I shouldn't really be typing this, as I could be spending this time doing Legionnaire, but I am procrastinating around it, because it will be hard work, but also because it will be fun, and I am one of those people who saves the best till last.

I am glad to see that Mr Goulden is thinking of re-entering the country. if we'll have him back that is. He seems not to have found his perfect woman out in Espana, which I can't say I'm sorry about, as I would rather have him in the country that out of it, as it makes speaking to the old chap somewhat challenging. He has, however, been writing some splendid (if somewhat depressing) stuff, so I heartily recommend that both of you go vist his site if you don't already.

I may be the only person who thinks that the section from Goulden Moments:

It was his fourth night in Hoi An. He was supposed to be in Hanoi by now but it is difficult to get up for 10 am buses if you are out and drinking until five

is made exceedingly amusing by the fact that Hoi An and Hanoi are anagrams of each other.

Speaking of which, when old ladies are senile and start spludging their words when they say them, they should be called nanagrams...

Sorry. Apologies needed for that one.

Right- off to editing, and avoiding the call of the Publican.
- posted by Buntifer @ 4/01/2005 08:36:00 am