concepts for a buntiful world
Thursday, July 29
How is it that someone can commute in London five days a week in the same conditions every day - crammed into the trains like small fish into small tin cuboids filled with tomato paste - and still huff and puff each time the train gets busy...I can't put myself into the mindset of someone who gets upset each time we pull into a station and more people try to get on. I know that I used to whinge about it but this guy has been commuting for as long as I have if not longer and he still acts as if he expected a personal carriage and now all these strangers are getting on...
I have also recently decided that one group of people who really annoy me is the people who evangelise about how good for them their food is.. "organic...darling...oh no Sainsbury's veg just sucks up chemicals...mmm...farmers market...oh no darling much better value"
Bollocks. I am finally coming round to the fact that organic food might be good, but only because of the stupidity of the farmers using the pesticides. The pesticides themselves are NOT intrinsically evil people, and neither are the manufacturers. The problems are all in the hands of the users who are greedy and cretinous, as well as the supermarkets who treat farmers appallingly badly [whoever heard of sale or return on vegetables until supermarkets showed up?]
And farmers markets are all very well but at the end of the day you don't know that the food there is organic, and the price is usually very high compared to supermarkets - often even compared to supermarket's organic range.
But damn...at the end of the day what matter about your food is its taste. If it tastes nice it will do you more good than if it tastes of shit - and sadly, rabbit food often tastes of crap. (I know it doesn't always)
I am always happy to hear someone evangelise about the flavour of their food, the salivation it induces and the sheer mouthwatering jaw droppingly deliciousness of it
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/29/2004 08:16:00 am
Tuesday, July 27
Oh yes it is...every Tuesday I bemoan the fact that I can't go for a drive in central London...
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/27/2004 09:05:00 pm
Monday, July 26
Wimpy- truly shit food, really slowly. I mean, why do they still exist? I know of three places they exist. One - Twickenham high street. Two - Megabowls and Three - motorway service stations. The one in Twickenham i will give respect to because out of all the "fast-food" joints in this country Wimpy is the only one which serves alcohol and allows smoking, but lets face it, the customers need something to do while they sit around waiting for the fucking food.
Motorway service stations and megabowl have one very importatn feature in common...there is nowhere else to go. If you are bowling and you want something more substantial to eat than crisps from the bar you have to either stop bowling and go find a restaurant or go to Wimpy, so Wimpy it is, and while the food is shit, at least you can get an hour or so on the lane in before the food arrives. MOtorway service stations similarly, only I would recommend ordering your food on your outward journey and picking it up on your way back unless your idea of a weekend away is kicking your feet surrounded by pine trees somewhere near the M3 waiting for some acned youth to finish playing an arcade game and cook some fucking chips.
I have a theory about fast food outlets - when people get to GCSE and their report comes home saying, "Johnny is stupid - he'll be lucky to be working in Wetherspoons in ten years." The kid is left with a career path - the peak of course is Burger King. So Little Johnny applies there.
and is told to get fucked, go get some experience at McDonalds before they will even let him near a deep fryer. So little Johnny bites back the tears and wanders down the road to the McDonalds.
and is told to get fucked, go get some experience at Wimpy, it is like being in the army, night shifts in a service station fifty miles away from the nearest bus stop. The acne they develop here is a defence against horny truckers. Their sexual education is gleaned from the dirty paperbacks the newsagents always stocks, again for the truckers. They experiment with the legion lubricants to be found in a Wimpy kitchen, and they develop a service track record seconded only by Winston Churchills fast food career. [Someone ordered a takeout pizza in 1932 and is still waiting]
They work their way up, after a year or so managing Wimpy they are allowed to go and work for the Golden Arches where they get to lick the fat fryer clean for six months before being allowed to handle food - here they learn reasonably fast service and the accompanying surliness that goes with having to ask "Do you want fries with that?" after every request.
One glorious day they frolic into work and gleefully inform their immediate superior that they have been granted a scholarship to Burger King, where they will learn the smugness that goes with the knowledge that although the food is only marginally better than MacDonalds the mark-up is 200% greater. Here they will learn the importance of paper backed foil packaging and how to lie convincingly about their burgers being flame grilled and made of far superior beef than Maccy D's, and they will also learn the secret of burger king chips, re-frying. [In the spirit of the Wild west, only not beans]
Here they will work out their days unless they are headhunted by Benjy's, who take the less acned ones off BK's hands before their presence depletes morale too far, Wetherspoons will take the surliest, and when they reach forty - their corporeal being is taken to the big Little Chef in the sky [or off the M3 or whichever motorway happens to be nearest] where they can live out their days being surly to the idiots that still eat there and spitting in the food before realising that the only people eating the food are the staff. Soon their minds will collapse under the weight of the grease that has built up around their synapses and they will end up face down in the deep fat fryer. [And you wondered what gave Little Chef's fries their distinctive taste.]
I hope you enjoyed that because I'm loving it.
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/26/2004 06:53:00 pm
Friday, July 23
try this link on for size http://www.cheesemongersanonymous.blogpot.com
We are being undermined from within - I thought this was a piss take for a while, but they have stolen my sites name and are pandering to people with typing defficulties in search of the enlightenment that only I can offer. It is worse than the child porn sites with addresses like www.barbiedol.com or shit like that [I don't know where that link is gonna take you so click it with care.]
Quite why someone would want to entice children to a child porn site i don't know, they don't have credit cards and at the age they are playing with barbie dolls they are unlikely to be masterbating anyway, but anyway, enough of the child porn - it is gonna bring some sickos to my site over the next few months on the search engine I am sure but since we already have our fair share of those [you know who you are] I don't mind.
In fact the unfortunate truth is that I am not the only erson to be so singled out, infact I strongly suspect that you could type any blogspot name in with a mis-typed "blogpot" ending and it would come up with the same site - Aaron has been hard at work. The fact that I typed in [sensitive viewers look away now] www.steamingpileofsatan'ssemen.blogpot.com and it still took me through is strong argument in that favour.
Chek out the "THE SOON COMING CLIMAX(BIBLE PROPHECY—PROOF THE BIBLE IS TRUE ANDWE ARE NOW IN THE LATTER DAYS) and HOW TO BE SAVED(A brief summary)" link - looks good. Iamevil, you might want to consider this as I don't think Satan wants you.
What I love is that someone has obviously decided that if there is one group of people in the world who need to be saved it is the bloggers. Well, hold your breath and pray chaps.
Although - perhaps they realised that the one groupd of people who habitually read reams and reams of absolute rubbish are the bloggers and blog-readers [lurkers as they is know in the vernacular] - of course this would hold more weight if it was only my site that was targeted, but in the true spirit of the evangelist they know that carpet bombing is more effective than aiming anything, and in the sites defense, it doesn't pop up behind anything or leave malicious cookies on your hard drive [not that I have experienced yet]
Perhaps in a week or so my computer will be demanding prayers before it boots up, or giving me five bible study sites on google for every site that is actually relevant.
Perhaps praying might make the fucking thing work..although to be fair, parallels can be drawn between computers and the god/man/satan relationship. IN the beginning there was the word, and the word was good. The word in this case was IBM - and with it came a vengeful deity called DOS who would wreak havoc when not treated right, and occasionally turned word processing documents into stone, caused small plagues of abort/retry/fails to appear on screen, but in general was pretty alright, got things done well and got them done quickly, and if occasionally you had to sacrifice your first born son to get something printed in time for a deadline - that was just a price you had to pay.
THen came Windows, and with it the promise of eternal corporeal delights and endless possibilities, the people greedily bought the bullshit that came in the nice cellophane packaging and installed it on the otherwise useful machines. And soon it came to be known that in order to get anything done you had to forswear DOS and promise your soul to windows, as well as putting up with commandments that translated into stone tablet form would read something like "THOU SHALT NOT DO THAT" what? "THAT, AND DON'T DO THAT EITHER." all i did was go to the bathroom, "THOU SHALT HOLD WINDOWS IN HIGHER ESTEEM THAN ANYTHING ELSE" why, "THOU SHALT NOT ASK QUESTIONS, EXCEPT ON THE HELPLINE FOR £12.50 A MINUTE." umm...ok, "AND THOU SHALT MOCK LINUX USERS, AND REVEL IN THE FACT THAT NOTHING IS COMPATIBLE WITH APPLE-MACS" they look nice though, "SO? THEY DON'T WORK, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT BUSTER" you owe me another four commandments..."YOU CAN'T DO THAT; PRESSING THAT KEY WAS A BAD IDEA BUSTER; FATAL ERROR ON SYSTEM and THIS COMPUTER HAS BEHAVED BADLY AND MUST BE SENT TO BED WITH NO SUPPER. WILL THOSE DO YOU YOU THINK (s)" uuh...ok. And so the man known as Qwerty who had led his people through the wrath of DOS and into a better place had to take these great chunks of heavy useless material back down the mountain and distribute them amongst the people, where, once they were plugged in they were almost as much use as stone tablets would have been.
I'm getting tired of this and I know that Greg could do a better job with his increased bible knowledge - perhaps I shall go and read some of Aaron's musings...
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/23/2004 06:49:00 pm
Thursday, July 22
I quite like this philosophy...although the golf references pass me by...
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar… and the beer.
A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
So, the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes".
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now", said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled
"I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers."
As we look forward to a new season, may you and your loved ones be blessed with life, health, prosperity, and happiness and may you always leave room for the couple of beers – or whatever their equivalent would be in your life.
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/22/2004 10:39:00 am
Friday, July 16
Damn I really despise the changes they have made to blogger, what happened with all the fucking shortcuts half putting links in for you and half fucking them up - damn what a waste of time all round. I preferred it before.
In any case the blogsite above is exceedingly humourous and well worth a read, while the biography Ang Lee made of the Hulk recently really sucked this website makes up for any angst Hulk fans must have suffered as they viewed the plotless, humourless faeces with terrible cgi that Mr Lee expelled from whichever orifice he used for editing/directing the film.
I have some motherfuckers using a pneumatic drill outside my office window - they dug a hole the other side of the street last week, did nothing with it and are now digging a hole this side of the street. I think they missed whatever they were aiming for last time. The area where my office is is not residential therefore I fail to see the problem with drilling at a civilised time of day like NIGHT. Bastards...
Right, back to whatever passes for work in this area of the planet.
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/16/2004 11:10:00 am
lets blog, like we did last summer...
lets blog like we did last year. Do you remember when, mmm..mmm..mmm...mmmmm.mm.
I haven't blogged in a long while, cept for the fotos, which provoked so much comment I am thinking of taking them down, and doing a quick blog round I notice that nobody else has, which makes me feel better, but sad. We have lost the urge to blog, and that can only really be a good thing - because it means we have bigger better things going on in our personal lives that do not leave us time for blogging - but it still makes me a little wistful for the good old days, when blogging was fun and the world was a nicer place, and when people used the word gay in its true sense.
When I was in my blogging heyday [and admittedly bullying other people to blog more often] it was when I was doing a sales job that found me online about 18 hours a day and bored out of my tiny little mind for about 17 and 50 minutes. I blogged because I was bored, and because I had nothing better to do. Now I have better things to do. I realise now that when people told me they didn't blog because they had better things to do they meant it - except for Sianodel, who rarely has anything better to do ;) - because a decent chunk of blog takes up a whole lot of time and effort.
Now blogs have died - Sianodel, Iamevil (who, lets face it never got beyond naughty let alone bad/awful/demonic/Luciferian/Satanic/Beelzebubbian/Cowellic/truly evil) and Small Yappaty Pedog have all smashed their keyboards and thrown away their blogging shoes...
"No Mary - I'm not gonna blog any more!!"
"But Stanley, you had so much talent...with this new hip and radical street-blog style of writing you could get into that school of blog you wanted so much when you were small all you need is the desire and the blog attitude"
"It brings back too many painful memories, I can't even look at a badly written html site any more without feeling guilty."
"Is it your mother?"
"She didn't need to die that way, she was hurrying because I wanted her to read my blog!!!"
"it wasn't your fault Stanley, she was hurrying because she wanted to read your blog - and that was because you have blog in your blood. Don't you think she would have wanted you to blog again? In her memory?"
"AAAAAAAGH!!!" [runs from room weeping into laptop]
(extract from "Save the Last Blog" - courtesy of Small Mind Productions)
I still find the strains of every sperm is sacred drifting into my head when I sit down to blog, and it would take a lot of psychoanalysis to find out why that is as well I reckon. I certainly don't know consciously. I do however miss blogging - having the time is the most important thing, because doing it at work [as I am now] is risky and can lead to curtailed and less than satisfactory bloggation. Plus you have to pause every so often to do some real work.
Damn these fucking shortcuts - miss a key and press Ctrl S instead of Shift and S and POW! You have released unto the world what was not ready, it is a premature blog movement, shooting ones load into the unsuspecting world before the world was ready etc etc. How annoying, I hope none of you are reading this as I am finishing it off. Unlikely I know as I get three visitors a day - one searches for "leila rejali" one for "Seren fucks" and then there is generally a random search for something like "expectorating babies in third world dictatorships %pussy galor%"
Now I have had a good time recently - lots of stage management, doing production accounts on a film thx to the Brunette, going to Dubai in Jan hopefully, paid for by one of the stage management gigs I've got. All good really.
Just to fill you in.
I still miss the comments, and every time I bring this up people go "yeah but you never post" or "yeah but I can never think of anything to say" or "yeah but you never leave comments" which just pisses me off, because while the first two may be true the third isn't, and I think it is a courtesy. What pisses me off more is when I remove comments, which I used to do regularly in fits of petulance, I immediately get reamed by everyone. I have people coming up to me in the street saying " Put comments back on your blog." and I'm looking at them, secure in the knowledge that they have never read my blog let alone left a fucking comment but as soon as they can't leave a comment they start quoting Marton Luther King and muttering about basic freedoms.
The other problems is epic blogs, I am well aware that this is turning into one, but sometimes you are doing the usual blog round and suddenly you come across someone who has written this 450000 word spiel about bananas, or something about Pyotr Vilnahovich and the Napoleonic wars and their influence on Muscovite Court life. You catch my drift. Now often - although not always this ream is thrilling, gripping and must-read/bestseller/feelgoodrompoftheyear BUT and this is a "but" in capital letters, it is too long.
This is too long, and the payoff is probably not worth it, but I would like all my reader [not a typo] to know that I don't care whether or not they read it, because I can't tell whether or not they have, the hit counter registers someone loading up the page, and if they shut it down as soon as they realise it doesn't have animal porn on, well, it makes no difference to me - in fact I can't tell unless they leave a comment of the genus: "Oi - more animal porn you bastard"
What makes the internet great is its interactivity - and if you [don't] interact your life is on contract. Hint: **if it has a keyboard it is not a tv**
So long for now, keep visiting, I promise one day you will load it up and there will me loads of animal porn, I promise. For now make do with Harry Potter pics...heh
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/16/2004 08:40:00 am
Thursday, July 1
COMMUTING: because work is worth it.
- posted by Buntifer @ 7/01/2004 07:23:00 pm